A Fertility Update + A Change Of Direction?

7/27/2016

Colorful Palm Springs Wedding
Photo by Katie Stoops

Oh boy, do I have a hefty update for all of you today. As you may have noticed or inquired, especially if you follow on Snapchat, we have had a very rough six weeks since my last post. Our toughest and most devastating yet. Since a lot of you have expressed your concern and shared your good thoughts, vibes and prayers, I wanted to give you an update on what’s been going on.  I haven’t done this post sooner because, well, only this week did we even get a real sense of what was going on ourselves.

Here’s the short version: We were pregnant, then we thought I was miscarrying, I didn’t. I was told it was ectopic. Drugs didn’t work. Had surgery. Surgery was inconclusive. (Yep.) But I’m on the mend. WOAH. Now ready for the long version? Let me take you back to start!

The last time I updated you all, we were about a week away from taking our next pregnancy test. And, well, I can happily report that I got to experience for the very first time the true terrified JOY that comes with reading a positive pregnancy test! Holy moly, I was starting to think those things hated me. The morning of June 27th, I woke up around 5:30am, rolled over, noticed Jeff was awake too and I said “PLEASE can I just take the test?”

Neither of us had high hopes, though the one difference I had noticed was my (tiny, nonexistent) boobs felt bigger. Didn’t think much of it after our track record. I took the test and Jeff came into the bathroom and we both just stared at it. Within a few seconds I said/screamed “Is that a second line? That looks like a second line? JEFF! JEFF THAT IS A SECOND LINE!” While he simultaneously said, “No, no it’s not. Kelly, shut up. It’s faded. It’s not clear. It’s definitely not a second line. No. We are going to get another test. Get dressed.” Hahahaha!

So at 5:45am we threw on clothes and walked to the nearest store to buy an armful of pregnancy tests. Man I wish I had this on video. We got the kind that say “yes” or “pregnant” because too many times before I had convinced myself that one line was actually two. Well, folks, there is no denying the “yes” and “pregnant” we got next. We were PREGNANT!!!! It was very surreal. Even when I had my miscarriage, I didn’t know I was pregnant so I had never gotten a positive at-home test. What a COOL feeling that was! I finally felt like I was a part of the club.

Fertility Update

We called our doctor with the good news and they asked us to come in for a blood test. We were “cautiously optimistic” (One of you gave me that term and I’ll never forget it!) and that afternoon not only did we get the call that I was pregnant, but my HCG levels were GREAT! (315, for reference) The nurse said “Congratulations!” and I just responded with “I’m in shock.” Haha!

We were still cautious, a miscarriage will do that to you, but we had never heard the words “your levels are great!” so breathed a sigh of relief and did the dumb things like looking up how many weeks I was and what symptoms I might have. Ehm, bigger boobs was one of them. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! =) We planned to tell our family and closest friends after we got a second positive blood test later that week.

For those of you that don’t know, your HCG is supposed to double every 48 hours in the early stages of pregnancy so on Wednesday we went back in, high-fiving the doctors and nurses along the way, to ensure that my levels were progressing normally. And then we got the call that my levels had barely gone up. They were at 360, but should have been around 600. The nurse’s words were, “Don’t worry too much yet, but it’s something to be aware of as that can indicate an abnormal pregnancy.”

And then my HCG started to drop and miscarriage was imminent. They told me to stop all my drugs and within about a week I would miscarry, but to call them if I didn’t. And what a devastating blow that was.

A week passed and still nothing. So I called and they brought me in for a blood test. My levels had shockingly gone back up. 600. What!? Was there still hope!?

That’s the first time “ectopic pregnancy” (Or, an unviable pregnancy that implants outside of the uterus, usually in the fallopian tubes) was explained to us, and the next day when my levels rose to 900, they told us to come in again tomorrow for a scan and if they didn’t see anything in my uterus, they would start treating for the ectopic.

Ectopic pregnancies are no joke. There is a great risk of your tube bursting, which leads to emergency surgery and risks your life. How they often treat them now is with a very strong drug called methotrexate, which for this “I don’t take medicine” girl was enough to send me off the deep end.

My HCG rose again to 1200 and they told me the methotrexate was my best option to treat the ectopic and avoid surgery. The worst part? We wouldn’t be able to try to get pregnant again for three months.

To a normal person, three months sounds like nothing. To a person going through fertility treatments it is EVERYTHING. The only thing that kept me going after each negative test was that we would immediately start another round of treatment. 100% of the time it felt like we were working towards a solution. But a three month embargo. That hit us both like a ton of bricks. It was like we took 20 steps back.

I took the drug (a shot) and was put on a no folic acid diet. What does that mean? No grains, no leafy greens, no beans, no various fruit… lots of random things that I won’t take the time to list here now. Folic acid is the antidote to methotrexate, so for the treatment to work, your body needs to be starved of it.

Because of my history, I have a very limited diet and have to eat every two hours, telling me I can’t eat something as wide as “grains” is detrimental. I can’t eat a lot of nuts, meat is hard to digest, and now the high-calorie protein bars I ate each day were off the table. And I drop weight fast when I skimp on my calorie intake. So it has been really hard. The drug makes me nauseous too so, that doesn’t help! I feel like I’m being starved!

Unfortunately the first dose of methotrexate didn’t lower my HCG. My levels had skyrocketed to 2,300 instead. They gave me a second dose of methotrexate and scheduled me for a blood test that Sunday. If my levels hadn’t dropped significantly, I would have to have surgery to remove the ectopic on Monday.

My HCG rose to 2,700 and the doctor called to confirm I’d be having surgery the next day, July 18th.

Fertility Update

Well, folks, this is when things get really interesting. As I was rattling off my list of surgeries and medical history to the anesthesiologist, about 10 minutes before they were supposed to wheel me into surgery, he stopped me abruptly when I mentioned I had had surgery for a collapsed lung. “You can’t have general anesthesia,” he said. What????????? Under general anesthesia, they have to breath for you, which apparently puts me at greater risk for my lung collapsing again due to pressure. Not good.

The new plan was to give me an epidural and due to my stomach surgery, they had to do a more invasive surgery than originally planned. They would first check to ensure that I wasn’t just miscarrying, and if I wasn’t, they would perform the surgery and try to remove the ectopic while (hopefully) salvaging my tube. That’s when I really lost it. Being 10 minutes out from an operation and having the entire thing change is very traumatizing. But what choice did I have?

Thankfully, I remember nothing about it. And per my usual post-surgery-behavior, I woke up immediately asking what they found. And you wanna know what they found?

N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

They found nothing in my uterus, nothing in my tubes. Inconclusive. What? How did they find nothing? Well, folks, that was the question on everyone’s mind… even the doctors! How were my levels so high but nothing to be found? My mom always said I liked to be difficult. Ha!

My doctor explained to me that, though very rare, the pregnancy could actually have implanted anywhere in my abdomen. And they weren’t sure where it was. They decided to give me a third dose of methotrexate and sent me home late that night to recover and wait for a few days before testing again.

Thankfully this final dose seems to be working. My levels have since gone from 2,700 to 48. The goal is zero. We’ll never know where the pregnancy was, and we just have to accept that. I spent all of last week on the couch (Sound familiar, snapchat friends!?), recovering, grieving and trying to keep my business from crumbling in my absence. (It was really terrible timing as we were down a few team members. C’est la vie.)

And now, here we are. If you feel like you just rode a really terrible rollercoaster… welcome! There aren’t really any words to wrap up how we feel about the whole thing. We knew our path to parenthood would be turbulent, but we didn’t expect this.

We are still in shock and trying to absorb it all. In a few weeks to go from the joy of a positive test, to the sadness of a miscarriage to the fear of an ectopic and then the trauma of none of the above, it’s, well, shocking. Physically, I’m getting better each day and returned to work this week which is good for me, though exhausting. Emotionally… that will take longer. We swing from one emotion to the next in the blink of an eye. Jeff has channeled a lot of his frustration into cleaning our entire house (proof) and I have basically just been watching trashy TV on the couch. We grieve very differently, ha!

So… what now?

I think sometimes it takes something extreme to bring you a bit more clarity. There is nothing like sitting in a hospital, with an ectopic pregnancy after dropping 7 pounds, and a team of doctors telling you that you can’t have either of the standard surgical procedures due to your medical history, to make you really question whether you’re doing the right thing.

One miscarriage was one thing. I knew so many people who went through miscarriage around when I did and it is so common. In fact, most of them are now successfully pregnant again. My hopes were still high. But going through this, that’s not as normal. It’s dangerous, and it has taken a real toll on my body and made me question if my body is, or ever will be, ready or able to carry a baby.

My doctors have all always assured me I could, but there is a part of me that wonders… why take the risk?

I woke up from surgery and immediately said, “I’m not doing this again” to Jeff. I was so devestated. Though as you can imagine, making any big life decisions in my current mental state is not very advisable. But I will say this.

After this whole ordeal, we are feeling our hearts being tugged more towards adoption then ever before. As I’ve written in the past, adoption has always very much been on the table for us and the idea of being able to give a child a home while also not risking my health seems too good to be true, in a way.

But there’s still a part of me that can’t give up. It’s my personality. I try and try and until I succeed.

The reality is, we can’t try again for three months even if we wanted to. Which, even though I’ve shed many a tear thinking about that road block, will actually be a blessing. Our current plan is to take those three months to research every aspect and angle of adoption we can. We know very little, but have several friends who are stepping up to guide us along the way. And we are so grateful. Come November, when the biological option comes back on the table, we’ll have the knowledge behind us to decide if we want to try again. Or perhaps, we will be even more excited about adoption than we already are, and we won’t even give it a second thought. I don’t know, and I won’t know. Not now, at least.

We are very lucky to have so many options on the table. And that even if we choose one option now, we can still choose the other option later.

Right now we are very worn, very sad and very traumatized after the last month, but we are hopefully on the road to recovery and on the road to more positive news for growing our family. We’ve once again, felt so much support from those who’ve sent grain free recipes, movies, flowers, kind words of encouragement and healthy good wishes. From those who’ve shared their stories and who have offered to help us explore unfamiliar territory.

I don’t think we could have asked for a worse way to come to a bit more clarity, but there it is. ‘Twas the cards we were dealt. And in the scheme of the horrendous things that are happening in our world right now, we were still dealt a pretty damn good hand. We’ll just have to wait and see where it takes us!

So that’s the update. My longest one yet, perhaps? I won’t have one for a bit but come November, I’m sure I will check back in with where we are at. And should we choose the adoption route, I hope to discuss that here too. Only time will tell! Thank you all, once again, for your continued support and sweet words as Jeff and I navigate this really tough and turbulent time.

And for those of you still fighting that fertility fight too, we’re all in this together! And I’m sending those fertile vibes to each of you every darn day.

71 comments

  • Monique | WritingMonique

    Wooo! I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry for both of you, and I’m so in awe with both of you! You are so strong, so strong!

    I wanna say so much, but somehow nothing seems good enough…Take all the time you need. Take care of yourself and I’m sending you all my love!

    • Emily

      I echo Monique, nothing really seems quite right to say except to send giant hugs to both of you. <3

  • Amanda

    What an update! I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this, but glad that the situation lead to some clarity. You’re being so open about your journey, I’m sure it’s really helping many out there struggling with their own fertility. Sending good vibes your way <3<3<3

  • Heather B

    I am so very sorry you are having to go through all of this. Praying for you and your family, that you will find peace and answers. I can’t even imagine how you must feel, stay strong. You’ll get through this!

  • Jen

    Wow, what an ordeal. As if there’s not enough unanswered questions and unknowns while trying to conceive as it is. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I struggled with infertility and know the hurt and absolute emptiness you can feel after every unsuccessful month. After trying for almost 2 years, I ended up having surgery to remove a fibroid and endometriosis in January and am now almost 13 weeks pregnant with a sweet little boy. You will get to be parents whether you do end up getting pregnant or if you decide adoption is the right choice for you and you will appreciate it all the more after this long, hard journey. Lots of love!

  • Ashley

    I’m so sorry you and your husband had to go through that experience. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us! You are the sweetest and I’m rooting for you and your family to be 🙂

  • Pat Newman

    Kelly you are a breath of fresh air in a world right now that needs it. You and Jeff are so young but so wise and so determined not to wallow in self pity but to pick yourselves up and seek higher ground. You are a inspiration to anyone going through life’s trials. God bless you both and ?ing your dreams are fulfilled.

  • Gilit

    Oh girl I am just crying for you for all this emotional upheaval. You are seriously incredible for sharing your story and your struggle and I wish so badly I could do something for you. What I will do is applaud you and send you all the good vibes in the world to stay healthy and get your baby whatever way that happens. ❤️❤️❤️ Gilit

  • Kristina B

    Oh honey…
    I’m sitting here in the store reading and Taylor Swift is saying Shake It Off but…you take your sad time and don’t let anyone take that away until you’re ready.
    Big hugs from the East Coast.
    I wish I had more words for you. Anything. I can’t even send snacks!! UGH what a suckfest.

    • Kristina B

      PS: and hugs to Jeff too. The strength of your partnership is going to be the most important thing as you decide how to move forward and the time you have to really cultivate that will be everything you need to press on. xoxo

  • Pokegirl

    You are so amazing. Thank you for sharing with us when you can.

  • Chelsey Gike

    Kelly, I am so sorry to read of your struggles. Thank you for sharing your struggles with your readers, and I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say that we are all sending the most positive vibes and good wishes on wherever this road leads you next. Love and light during this time of healing. xo

  • meaghan

    Oh what strong souls you two are! I know the pain you have right now (I’ve also had massive intestinal reconstruction and went through IVF for both my girls, complications, hospitalizations, infections and more to get them). And I wish there was a fast forward button for you to get to when this is over and settled. I ended up taking the risk of pregnancy –after having to convince the board of my clinic to do it, since they were so afraid of me–and was ultimately successful. But first, I got to a point emotionally where I would have been OK if it wasn’t successful. And just what you’re doing, researching the heck out of adoption, is what helped me get there. Hope when you feel hopeless is a wonderful thing. And true hope with a really, really great chance of bringing happiness.

  • Madison

    Reading this I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. However, while all that has transpired is devastating, it is also encouraging (as crazy as that sounds) because even when the clouds have continuously blocked out the sunshine you are still looking up, knowing that someday soon, the sun will shine again! In times of challenges I always think back to what Maria said in the Sound of Music “When God closes a door he opens a window.” Praying that you continue to look for the sun out of that window.
    -Madison

  • Vera

    Dear Kelly , this is the first time I ever comment on one of ur posts although a fan for ages . I love ur work and your colorful world of visual expression is just stunning .

    The exact same thing happened to me .
    I can rely to each and every word .
    I remember the “wtf why would anyone ever try and do this again ( teary and angry and hurt)
    The physical weirdness after methotrexate ( after a lot of doses that is)
    I always though someone might want to tell me I shouldn’t have kids . That maybe it’s natures way of warning me not to try again.
    Bottom line is I was much to realistic and head driven to try again . I was scared and literally shit my pants .
    There’s a lot of ladidada that happens next.
    Let’s skip to the most important part.
    I am sitting in a family van as I write with a dirty 3 yr old singing ( nah screaming ) let it go and a 1 yr old sleeping in her maxicosi .
    Everything will be alright .
    You will look back on all this someday and maybe remember my words .

    I wish you guys a lot of luck , hang in there .
    You are not alone and we all got ur back.

    Love from austria ,

    Vera

  • Katie Jaeger

    Sending you guys so much love. Thank you for sharing your story!

  • Elise

    Sending big hugs to both of you and hoping for a quick physical recovery. <3

  • Amelie

    I am so sorry for you. I am sitting in my kitchen crying and feeling so sad for you guys. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. All I can do is send you lots of hugs and tell you how amazingly strong you guys are being. Thanks for being so authentic and opening up to us. ???

  • Brittany

    You guys are so strong, I am so sorry this is what you’ve had to deal with 🙁 I will say, watching Made By Girl’s adoption story and seeing her beautiful boy grow, is so touching. Love is love, and you two are meant to be parents. If adoption is your route, you’re not settling, you’re being more brave than most and saving a child who might otherwise not be as loved. Keep your heads up, the battle is super hard for you right now but you guys will reach the finish line!

  • Amy

    I’m not sure the right words to say (pretty sure there aren’t actually any “right” words in this situation), but please know I’m thinking of you and Jeff. Big internet hugs and great vibes your way. Thank you for sharing- I know that wasn’t easy.

  • Carole

    Hi !

    Really sorry for your story… I follow you on instagram, I didn’t know your story…
    It’s difficult to me to express because I don’t speak very well english, but I’m gonna try.

    I got five pregnancies. 3 miscarries et 2 ectopic. I knew methotrexate (I’m not sure it’s good), I knew surgeries. I was hopeful, still. And then, 18 months without any pregnancy… 18 months very hard…

    But I kept fighting. I couldn’t give up, not for the moment.

    My husband and me worked with doctors. Today Î’m pregnant. My sixth pregnancy. I have a treatment, and I have good reasons to think we found the problem. I don’t dare to be happy, but I’m shily hopeful.

    Well… It was just to tell you how much I can understand you. And to tell you to fight if you feel you can’t give up. Fight for adoption, fight for treatment… I know how hard it is to take a decision.

    Sorry for my bad english, I would tell you more but I really don’t speak very well.

    I hope you’ll get a child

    Carole

  • Jenny

    This absolutely breaks my heart to hear but I’m so happy you are not ruling out adoption – you’re going to be amazing parents! I love following your snaps and the child that comes into your lives is going to be wonderful and beyond thankful to have such colorful, fun, positive parents to learn from! I sing your avocado song all the time 🙂

    I am praying for you both and thank you for being such an inspiration on how to handle such difficult times in life.

    <3

  • Alishka

    First off, bucket loads of love to you and Jeff… This isn’t something anyone should have to go thru… But to see two sunshiney people like you two .. It breaks the heart…

    What ever you’ll decide on doing from here .. From this moment.. Will be the best thing and the thing that was meant to be..

    So keep your hears strong.. And keep the love going 🙂

  • Jenny

    My goodness. I’m so sorry to read what you’ve been going through. When I saw your posts about no grains, I was super worried for you, because that is basically my whole diet (gastrectomy over here too). Bless you and Jeff. Sending all kinds of love, prayers, and good vibes your way.

  • Priscilla

    Oh geez. I’m so, so sorry you rode the terror-filled roller coaster that is infertility and “pregnancy of unknown location.” I’ve rode it too! Twice in the past two years. I know the trauma. I’m sorry to hear you had to endure what you’ve had. 🙁 One thing I’ve realized from past infertility pains is that when you think you can’t go on anymore, know that time will heal. Just got to ride it out.

  • Colleen De Lorenzo

    I know having gone through a similiar situation, there is not much I can say to make “it all better”. I wish you and Jeff all the best, and know it will all work out for the two of you the way it was supposed to. I was lucky to have Jacob and Sydney after all of my infertility! I know you guys will be parents too! If I could give you a crystal ball to show you the future looks bright, I would.

  • Mdlle

    Oh such a sad time for you both… Only reading this teared me up and you are both so grave<3
    The love you have for each other is so beautiful and a little one will be the luckiest to have you both as parents<3 It will happen, and mid while you will grow closer and stronger<3

  • Leslie

    I’m so sorry you are having to go through all of this. 🙁

    Everyone’s journey into parenthood is so different. I’ve recently had several friends miscarry and they all had different responses. Some were devastated, some slightly relieved, and most of them, unfortunately, felt somehow guilty. Please be gentle with yourself. The desire to be a mother is the most selfless desire you can have imo. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be mad. It’s ok to be disappointed. You are going to make a great mother.

    Also, my mother had an 3 miscarriages and 1 eptopic pregnancy. Listening to your experience helps me better understand her and what she went through.

    Love and prayers headed your way!

  • Adeline

    Thanks for letting us in. Carrying you guys with me today, hoping along side you.

  • Chelsey

    Kelly,
    I am so heartbroken for you and Jeff 🙁 What a cruel experience to have to go through. I am so inspired by your tenacity and your (mostly) positive outlook on the situation. I can’t even imagine going through that experience, and I am SO glad you are okay! I am still rooting for you guys and I am sending all the positive baby vibes your way! No matter if you have a child of your own or adopt, I know you and Jeff will make great parents <3

    Lots of love,

    Chelsey

  • Riss

    thank you so much for sharing. best of luck to you and jeff <3

  • Angela

    Wow. I’m so sorry to hear this news! All I can say is for you and Jeff to keep your spirits up! You are an amazingly strong lady! I’ll be praying and rooting for you every step of your baby journey! As an adopted child, I am always grateful to hear that people consider that option despite how hard and long that road can be. You never cease to amaze me Kelly!

  • Jessie

    Kelly & Jeff, I’m so sorry for all your heart ache. It’s so sad to me that you two aren’t parents yet and you will be so fantastic at it! I hope this will be the worst of it for you. Whether you have a baby by being pregnant, by surrogate or adoption that will be a very lucky baby! Sending love. xo

  • Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

    Oh sweet friend. I’m so very sorry to hear about this and that you guys have been going through such a painful, emotional time. ( “Cautiously optimistic” I think was from me … Passed along to me by our fertility doctor and nurses…) I’m sending you big love right now, and hopeful, positive thoughts for where your journey takes you next! I hope the support of all your fans and readers can help a little in healing your hearts. XOXO

  • Rosie

    All the words and usual sentiments seem so insufficient in the face of such heartache… However, there’s no time like the present to tell you that your awesomeness is so inspiring! Your ability to share so much of yourself during such a hard time is amazing. Seeing you persevere is a reminder of what we can all do with a little positivity. I’m thinking of you and Jeff, and sending you all the good vibes. I know good things are in the works and I can’t think of two people that deserve it more! Xoxo ?

  • Lendy

    I promise the sunshine will come back! I think back to our struggles & heartbreaks prior to magically getting pregnant with Luna, and even though she’s 3.5 now, sometimes I tell my husband I still can’t believe we made her. Whatever your future has in store it will come full circle and one day you’ll look back. For now allow yourself to wallow & let Jeff clean! (I remember now how nobody really asked my husband how he felt–I guess the world assumes they don’t feel the weight of the loss, and They grieve too.)

    Xoxo Lendy
    http://www.twoplusluna.com

  • Maria

    you are a really star and i’m sure everything will be clearer and better sooner than you think. Just hold tight to each other and have faith. Lots of love!!

  • Gabriela

    Kelly and Jeff,

    I just want to say that I really look up to you, you two are an inspiration, and I know you are going to grow stronger from this experience, and that strenght is going to help you raise a wonderful human, one that many people will admire as well. I’m sending you lots of love all the way from Venezuela.

    Gaby

  • Amy

    Thank you so much for sharing such a personal story. My heart is so heavy for your struggles. I admire both your and Jeff’s strength. I wish there was something I could say or do that would convey the sincerity of my best wishes to you guys! Xoxo

  • Kerri

    I’m not one to normally comment on a blog post but I had to on this one. I am so so very sorry for your loss. This wasn’t just “pregnancy loss”, it’s the loss of a baby and dreams and innocence in a way. For this, my heart truly breaks for you. But on the other hand, you have so many beautiful things to look forward to on this journey. One day you will hold your child in your arms (whether your body grew them or you specifically were chosen to be a child’s mama) and know that even though the journey was hard, it was worth it. And don’t think of adoption as “giving up”… You would get to choose to love a child, how incredibly powerful is that? It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. That is an amazing type of love and I imagine it would bring such richness to your life. You are a mom, and one day you will get to hear a sweet little voice call you so. In the meantime, I wish you peace and comfort while you wait.

  • Erin Maree

    That sucks! I have no idea what else to say. I do know that in my heart you and Jeff will be parents one day.
    You could also use this time to look into surrogacy and other options, not just adoption, also write a pro and cons list regarding each of the options, I have heard that foster to adopt is a great option if you choose to go the adoption route.
    Surely in this age of the internet there must be some studies or other people who have gone through what you have, its just a matter of searching and asking around, I can’t imagine that you are the only couple to go through this nor will you be the last.
    Let yourself grieve and cry, I was watching a TV show (Saving Hope – if you like medical dramas with a few twists watch it) and a character had a miscarriage and she was told to light a candle and write a letter to the baby pouring out all the hopes and dreams she had for it, then seal it up and place it in a box with a few mementos like positive pregnancy tests, anything that related to it. You’re acknowledging that they existed while also saying goodbye to them.
    Don’t be too hard on yourself and if you need to take some time off to escape and go on a break then do it, no one here will mind 🙂 <3 xxx

  • Damaris Canales

    Thank you for sharing your story! You both are two incredible people ❤️ Both of you are increbliy talented & have great hearts. Love & prayers are on the way!

    -Damaris Canales

  • Allison

    Sending lots of love and hugs Kelly xx

  • Sarah

    The Internet is a strange thing- here I am reading your story and rooting for you from across the country, despite never having met you. Still, I wish you both the best & think you’ll make great parents, however that happens for you.

  • Mary

    One, I am so so sorry. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers for sure. Be proud of yourself for getting off the couch! Takes energy and guts. Secondly, I’m amazed at your courage to put it all out there. I had a miscarriage a little while back and I felt so closed off because I was scared to talk about it. Hard to admit to the world you are trying and it didn’t work. You give people someone to relate to, which is great, but it breaks my heart that you are having such a hard time. Here’s to hoping you get this baby thing figured out and have success whatever direction you take!! You are great people, so I know something will work out 🙂 Good vibes —> you two! For us, we started trying again, so fingers crossed! Appreciate the good vibes you always send your readers’ ways 🙂

  • Maria

    Thinking about you guys and sending lots of prayers and good vibes. You are both amazing and I am so glad you have each other. I know good things are right around the corner for you! Hugs! xo

  • Kim - The Tomkat Studio

    Oh Kelly, I’m sending all my love your way. You are an amazing woman and I can’t wait for the day when I hear you are having a baby (whichever way it happens!). It is so great that you are sharing your story so we can support you through it and by sharing, it will help so many others going through similar things. Just know there are so many people cheering you on! xoxo

  • Amelia

    First of all, huge hugs to you and Jeff. I’m sorry this has been so turbulent for you. I barely know what to say except that even though a lot of things in your situation are still uncertain, I can tell you this for sure: whether you have this baby biologically or adopt them, it is one lucky kid to have you guys for parents. Imagine if they read these posts one day, just think how wonderful it is going to feel to know how badly you wanted them.

  • Nicole Maki

    Sending love and comfort to you and to Jeff. I’m really sorry for your loss and all the hardship you’ve been through and are going through.

    When I miscarried for the third time an older mom came up to me and said, “Be sad. As soon as we see that positive pregnancy test it’s like there is another chair at the dinner table.” It was an image that helped me put those losses into context.

    And I never forget those missing chairs at my table.

  • Katie

    Thank you SO much for sharing that and being so real and vulnerable. I am so sorry for such storms to come your way. I pray restoration over your body and healing! There is hope and it’s so awesome to see you not giving up. Your dreams of having kids will come true! Faith is having hope for the things you do not see but confidence that they will happen! I am having faith for you and Jeff!

  • lora

    God bless you!! I’m so sorry to hear of such a struggle for a young couple. How difficult! And traumatizing ! I am already praying for you guys.
    Listen, I’m going to stick my 2 cents in for what’s in worth,ok?

    What would be hard if you went ahead and adopted a baby or started the process. And you got pregnant? Might be double the joy!

    I used to work for a Christian Adoption Agency – Methodist Mission Adoptions in San Antonio. It has been a few years and things change so I could be outdated. They were into open adoptions. I saw it work but people had a hard time with making an agreement with how often visits might happen, etc.

    But how they did it was to get ONE sheet of colored paper for you to put your story and why you want to adopt and a picture of you and any thoughts on how you would raise the baby.

    Ok, I carried a big binder of the pages when a girl wanted to give up her baby for her to choose which she wanted, then she got to “interview” you in person and then she had time after the baby was born to change her mind. I’ve been through a change your mind situation and it was horrible. But I’ve also gone through really good ones. My boss always told me that she saw more girls back out of visiting the baby and parents and didn’t want to deal with it anymore. The majority just wanted assurance that it was working out.

    bad news is that book had “equal” status. All the pictures in that one book and if you did it yours would be in there. During the book toting sometimes they would pick one and sometimes not. And some were in there for a couple of years for no rhyme or reason. 🙁 But some were picked immediately!! People prayed so hard to be picked and I think when “their” baby arrived it was supposed to happen then. It was heart ache to see these someday parents struggle. THREE times in a about 60 adoptions I did, the couples were pregnant within a year. It was so weird. We we told it happens and it was likely the couple relaxed and didn’t worry and stress so much. I don’t know – they just did a step on it family plan, I guess.

    More bad news – so sorry but this was my experience and seems to be reality. The adoption can cost alot! Like 25000 alot plus – I’m sure it is more expensive now. If the girl is not close to you, you would have to fly in to see her and you would pay her expenses and clothes and sometimes more if necessary. The state paid for the hospital stays but you might have to pay for a doctor. It was troubling to see the parents struggling to find the money.
    An alternative, on tv here on Wednesdays news they show a child that is up for adoption and if you have your state paperwork in you could adopt them. They are in foster homes. Sometimes there are a variety and then there are families of kids who want to stick together. They are really hard to adopt out and they are always older. you might check your state office for adoption paper requirements and see if that right child God wants for you is there waiting.
    The kids have experienced a great deal of trauma – unbelieveable trauma to get parent’s rights removed. So they may experience behavioral problems and personality issues. As long as you are aware of what you might experience that way and are capable to provide them treatment and counseling it would work. Your patience would be totally used each day. But they are worth it.
    In my heart, I believe God has special, special plans for you and it will come when it will come. I’ll continue to pray for you and ask that He speed it up a little. 🙂
    Much love, Lora in Texas, aka, [email protected] aka mianniesplace at wordpress once I get that dag thing to work!! Very best wishes!! sorry this is so long!!

  • Amanda

    Oh Kelly and Jeff. I am so sorry for everything you two are going through. As weird as it is, I feel like I know the two of you through your snap chats! You are strong and will make it through this hurdle. Can’t wait to see where the future takes you two.. Hang in there and get some rest and clear your mind. Stay strong!!

  • M Buck

    Oh Kelly. I’m just so sorry. So many hugs to you & Jeff. I am absolutely in awe of you two. What an incredible couple. That pic above in the hospital says it all. It’s so brave & unselfish (and a million other descriptors!) of you to share your story with everyone. I have no doubt you will have the beautiful family you’re destined for… and of course much will be learned along the way… I just wish it wasn’t so *effing* painful/frustrating/etc in the meantime!! With life in general, I think it’s the not knowing that’s the toughest. Like… I feel think I could accept not finding my soulmate/hubby & subsequently not having my own children if I just knew that wasn’t in the cards for me. There are other people/things in life to emrace, right?! But the constant search/hope for what may never work out just sucks. Not trying to make this about me (don’t know if I’m even making sense), just relating in some small way to your struggle & appreciating your vulnerability in sharing. All the best, the healthiest & the happiest vibes to you both!!

  • Terrie

    I am so sorry for everything you and Jeff are going through! Thank you for sharing this with us. Sending hugs and good vibes your way!

  • [email protected]

    ok here goes… i commented before on your last fertility update as i was compelled to tell the end my story because i also was in the dark tunnel of infertility and could not find that light. “tenacious” is my middle name. 8 years we tried to have a baby. 8 years.
    i never stopped thinking about the child i KNEW i was going to have. never. and after thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars gone, the dr. finally said pregnancy was never gonna happen. adoption was always an option but i wanted to have “my own” come hell or high water…man i missed so much those 8 years because “getting pregnant” consumed me so much, i had forgotten that what i truly wanted was a child and getting pregnant was NOT the only way to be a mom.
    the day the dr. told us pregnancy was never gonna happen i cried forever.
    then we signed up for adoption. they said it would take at least a year or 2, since we signed up with a domestic agency and perhaps overseas would be a better option.
    again, my stubbornness said no, there has got to be a baby for me HERE.

    so i made a book about me and my husband in June for the prospective birth mom.
    we got a call in July from the adoption agency, and held our brand new daughter in October.
    all this happened in less than 6 months…

    those 8 years i learned so much about myself and my husband and i think they were a blessing.
    yes, a true blessing.

    there are many many many women who can get pregnant.
    then there are people like me, blessed to have the gift of adoption…

    i now have 2 children, both adopted, and they look more like brother and sister than me and my own siblings do.

    know that what happened to you and Jeff is all part of the plan…keep the faith, hold your head high, and always believe.
    you WILL get your baby! and oh what a mom you’ll be!!! 🙂 ❤ GIGUNDO HUGS AND KISSES!

  • Isabelle

    Oh my God, what a story! So much trouble and effort! Thank you for sharing with us, it takes courage to do this. God bless you!

  • Katie

    I noticed something was up on Snapchat and I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such a rough time these past few weeks. I love that you’re able to pull positivity from all you’ve been through, though. You’re incredibly resilient. Sending good vibes for your family planning – whatever that entails! – to you and Jeff.

  • Gery

    I know what you go through by experience – I did go through 7 miscarriages, 6 requiring an operation, so be kind to yourself the next weeks as hormone rallys and sadness are taking quiet a bit of your souls energy. So don’t expect yourself to function 2 weeks later again normally – but I also can bring hope: I am mum of 4 healthy kids and I am happy I never gave up. I did plant flowers in my garden for all kids lost on my way, all flouring at the time when the baby would have been due, so they all have a place in our life. Big hug to you and Jeff

  • Sarah

    I am so sorry!

  • Beck Lloyd-Jones

    Love to you both from Melbourne, Australia.

    Life is such a roller coaster and my heart breaks for your journey…

    Hang in there kiddos. Remember also (yeah, advice is ace) that your journey IS your life and there is no destination until waaaay into the future.

    I am 100% sure that you’ll be telling YOUR kiddos just how they came to be, whatever their journey, in your hearts and home. Your love, passion, determination and, so very importantly, togetherness through this shitty journey is what will strengthen you individually and as parents.

    So much of parenting is letting go and not panicking when your heart is walking around out there in the world – from crawling to play dates to school.

    Your immense love for each other, and your future babies, plus your battle experience will arm you well.

    Be kind to yourself Kelly and (I know) 3 months is a KILLER, but focus your A-type personality (yep, me too) into getting 100% possible health, all adoption info and try to physically rest your healing body.

    #couplegoals is the tag created for you and Jeff.

  • Ana

    Holy shit!!!! My first impulse is to just swear a lot in reaction to the crazy turbulent roller coaster you both have been on. My second impulse is to give you a hug and a big fat slice of cake. I hope you’re getting lots of both. xo

  • Sarah Smith

    I’m so sorry! ((HUGS)) I’ve been on those crappy chemo meds (methotrexate) but for autoimmune issues which caused me to not have a chance at having children. It’s been 9 years and I still get emotional about it. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst isn’t easy. So sorry but take care of yourself & your hubby.

  • Pat

    Kelly and Jeff, I am so sorry for your loss. My friend had an ectopic pregnancy when she was on fertility drugs. She was in Germany by herself when her tube burst. Her husband was in the service but not stationed on a base. He drove like a maniac (Autobahn) and finally got to the hospital where most people spoke German ( she didn’t). This was over 20 years ago. The next pregnancy was successful!!! She is now 21 years old. I just wanted to share this story because they went thru hell but it was all worth it. I also know people that have adopted and couldn’t love their 3 kids more. My thoughts are with you guys. Hugs, Pat S

  • Jessica

    so many hugs to you both. xoxoxo

  • Terrell

    I hate this so much for you all! I went through the nearly same experience….taking fertility drugs, being told you’re going to get pregnant by doctors, spending $$$$ on trying and come to find out, after all this time and money – my uterus couldn’t “carry” the conceived embryo. After all the trial and error – knowing in the back of my mind I always wanted to adopt a baby, no matter if I had 5 of my own…I had to have a hysterectomy at 27, leaving me with only 1 ovary to still give me some needed hormones. It was then that I felt that feeling of happy at least knowing it’s never going to happen, but yet sad….alllll at the same time…total hot mess I’m sure. We quickly started the adoption process with an orphanage in India, because waiting here in the states can take forever, and I wanted to take a baby from a helpless little life in an orphanage, to a loving home in our arms ASAP! It did take about a year to get it all worked out, then we had to wait for a referral. It was almost like being pregnant (so I told myself) because we had no idea if it’d be a girl or a boy….then a few months later we got the email – Here’s your baby!!! We ran to our computer, opened it – and that felt like the ultrasound – seeing her for the first time. We bawled like babies and kept opening the email over and over! That was OUR baby! After a few months of waiting, we got the news to meet in the international flight section of the airport on THANKSGIVING morning!!! What a day! It was like it was meant to be! Here we are like all first time parents, scared, omg what if she cries, what do I do?!?! Diapers, ummm….will she like applesauce or yams?!?! Omg…freaking out! The plane arrives and we see this man (the doctor from the orphanage) holding her and he walks towards us and puts her down. She takes a few steps towards us and looks back at him…my husband was videoing and I am crying with tears of JOY! I said hi little princess! I’m your mommy!! I handed her a stuffed rabbit and she looked at me and gave the biggest smile. This was the moment I’d been needing my whole life – this was like birth! Our little princess is now turning 13 in a few weeks…….whaaaaaa!?! I greatly encourage you to consider adoption, wherever you decide. You all seem like amazing parents, and any child would be so very lucky to have you as their Mommy and Daddy! Whatever your dreams are…never give up on them! You’re going to rock this!!! Hugs!!

  • Caitlin

    I never ever comment on blogs but how can you read something like this and not feel compelled to say…I’m so so sorry that you had to go through that! You are so brave for sharing this part of your story with friends and strangers alike, I know it will make many women feel less alone. It sucks so much that you have already fought cancer in your life and it keeps rearing its ugly head in new and frustrating and devastating ways, it’s not fair and that’s the truth. Sending big love from down under xx

  • Hailey

    Sending you strength, health and BIG BIG hugs to both you and Jeff.
    x x x

  • Mari

    Thank you for sharing. Thank you for helping me realize that I’m not in this alone.

  • Celina

    Hey Kelly! Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m sorta late to this comment party–I have only ever read your costume DIYs (SO excited to try my pink dress!) and finally realized there is a whole world of awesome at Studio DIY. It’s about the end of October, so you must be getting ready to gear up for whatever November has in store. Sending love for your next chapter. 🙂

  • Des Reyna

    I see you on snap and insta, but this is my first time on your site, and wow… I admire you both, and I look forward to your future post on another positive test story, that ends with a baby in your arms.❤️

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